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Pantsylvania
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Well, I can say with absolute certainty: This is a first for me. An educational CD-ROM from 1997 with the most bizarre characters and no plot? Yep, never reviewed that before! What am I talking about? A little game called Pantsylvania! (We Make the Pants starts as clips of the game begin to play) G-man (V.O): This is a game for the MS-DOS that was made by Headbone Interactive. And good luck trying to find more information on this, because there’s no Wikipedia page for this game! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And you know what’s weird? I can’t find a good review for this, so I guess this is all on me to decide whether this is a good game or not. Well, even though I want to, let’s not delay any longer! This is Pantsylvania! (Cut to the opening cutscene) G-man (V.O): It opens with a group of animals called the Gigglebone Gang meeting the King of Pantsylvania. And his name is, no joke, Kingamajig. But for sanity reasons, let’s just call him "King". King (Singing): Pantsylvania! Pantsylvania! It’s the kingdom of the Fancy Pants! (He laughs before speaking) Click on a building, and I’ll take you there. G-man (V.O): Okay, I already have a ton of questions! The main one being why the hell is the pig character naked in the game as opposed to on the box?! Is she a nudist? What’s going on? Well, since we’re here, let’s check out that giant pair of pants since it’s farthest to the left on the character selection screen. King: Fancy Pants Factory coming up! (Cut back to the G-man facepalming) G-man: These names, I swear… (Cut back to the game) Bunji the Frog: Y’know, if you click on one of us, we can go play! G-man (V.O): If that frog’s familiar to you, then you might know him from Vinesauce Vinny’s Twitch stream of this game. As an avid viewer of his, I’ve never seen him insult anyone as much as Bunji the Frog. (After a while, the G-man speaks again) I’m serious, that’s his name. Well, since we’re here we might as well see what Bunji has to offer. (Cut to a bit later in the game. Bunji is in front of a strange-looking machine) Bunji: Hey, we found the Sim-Hiram-Movemizer! This is the top-secret machine that Fancy Pants use to make those super-powered pants they wear. Click on my belly, and I’ll give you stuff so we can make some inventions, too! G-man (V.O): Since I’ve learned to stop questioning things, I’ll just roll with it. What do have, frog? (He clicks Bunji, and a picture of a cat appears) Bunji: A feline! That’s a cat, y’know. What’ll you think will happen if you put it through the Sim-Hiram-Movemizer? G-man (V.O): Well, we have a spring, strawberries, and a clown, so perhaps it’ll- Hell, I don’t know… Let’s do it. (He drags the cat to the funnel of the machine. When it pops out, its red and bouncy, and the sound of an audience laughing is heard. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Aaand the list of questions I have continues to grow… (Cut back to the game. The G-man drags the cat to Bunji, and he starts slurping and smacking his lips. When he’s done, the cat disappears) Bunji: Lemme just say this: Yum! G-man (V.O): NO! NO, YOU DIDN’T JUST DO THAT! (Cut back to the G-man looking exasperated) G-man: He ate a cat. He ate a fucking cat. Now I’m starting to see why someone made a Half-Life 2 mod called Kill the Frog! (After a moment of silence, the G-man speaks again) I’m serious! It exists! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Alright, let’s go to the Hub of Pantsportation next. (Under his breath) What were these assholes smoking…? (Out loud) Well, since I don’t need to hear the frog speak again, let’s go with this parrot. Clyde: C’mon! Let’s seek and find! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What is up with these characters’ voices? Everyone sounds like they got kicked in the nuts! (Cut back to the game) Clyde: Aye, aye! The Hub of Pantsportation looks ship-shape! But secret vehicles are hiding! Oooh, and we need to find them! G-man (V.O): If by find, you mean drag the objects to their matching shape, then there’s nothing to complain about except for the fact that the games with this guy never change! Sure, there are different scenes, but its all the same game repeated over and over! So, I guess we’re not clicking on him, either. What about Pocket Park? And before you ask, yes, all the locations have names like that. Monkey: Monkey-Sue’s Furry Tales never fail! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wait a sec… Purple monkey? Annoying voice? Terrible jokes? Dear God! It’s Bonzi Buddy! (He pulls out his Lego gun) I’ll give you one chance, asshole. Make it count! (Cut back to the game) Girl: I wish for… A flying parakeet. (She throws a coin into a well) Well: Ah, so you wish for a flying parakeet? I’ll switch that to a crying pair of feet! (He laughs before pulling out a pair of feet the are literally crying) Girl: You rotten weasel! (Cut back to the G-man aiming his Lego gun at the camera) G-man: You blew it! (He fires it before we cut to static, and then the technical difficulties screen from the Simpsons pops up. After it ends, we cut to more static, then back to the G-man readjusting the camera) G-man: Damnit! That’s the third camera I destroyed! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Velma the Pig is just there for learning shit. Why is this here? It’s so out of place in this game with the most bizarre settings ever! It’s like those medicine ads that tell you the horrible side effects during the damn commercial! (Cut to a sketch with the G-man in front of a green-screened pharmacy) G-man: I used to get horrible migraines, but then I took Zazitrol! Voiceover: Side effects may include vomiting, dizziness, chest pains, diarrhea, and worse migraines. G-man: …What? (He acts like he’s getting a migraine before we cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Last character: The King. He’s this game’s only hope. Does he have a good gimmick? Will this game get redemption? Will I throw this game out the window? King (Singing): We make the pants! We make the pants! That’s right! We make the Fe-dilly, Fi-dilly, Fo-dilly, fancy pants! Oh, yes, we do! (Cut back to the G-man holding up the game’s case) G-man: No, nope, and absolutely! (He throws it offscreen where the sound of glass breaking is heard) This game is shit! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): It was terrible. Absolutely terrible. I’m starting to see why there were only four games made for these characters. (A record scratch is heard) I’m serious! There are three other games with these assholes, and they’re all as equally terrible! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: But do you really expect me to review this crap again? Hell no! Well, I am the- (He gets interrupted by his phone ringing. Sighing, he picks it up) Hello? (The caller turns out to be the FanFic Critic. During her and the G-man’s conversation, it cuts between them) FFC: Hello, G-man. G-man: FanFic Critic? FFC: I’m here for revenge. G-man (Sighing): This shit again? FFC: Don’t give me that tone! I’ve been planning something ever since your 50th episode, and now it’s time I unveil it! Roll it! (Cut to static and then to the title screen for Larryboy and the Bad Apple. After a few seconds, we cut to more static, and then back to the G-man looking unamused) G-man: Is that supposed to scare me? FFC: What?! Don’t tell me you like actually VeggieTales! G-man: I do! It was part of my childhood! (The sound of a dial tone is heard) Hello? Hello? (He sighs and hangs up) Well, I guess my next episode is- (He gets interrupted by the FanFic Critic kicking his bedroom door open as we cut to black) FFC (V.O): Then you’re not doing this alone! Category:Episode